Community
In the long train of visits I’ve got coming in the next month, the current guest is Tracy, one of my closest friends. She and were like sisters in college; when I decided I was going to Alaska to live in a tent and hurl fish during the summer after college, she came with me, even though she didn’t like fish, dead things, nature, tents or the cold. (Turns out, she hurled fish with the best of them; Tracy is a master at surprising herself.) When I got married in Vegas, she and her boyfriend were our only guests; she’s the only person in my life who shared that moment with me. Well, except Fish. When I had my first baby, she flew in and stayed in the hospital with me. There are almost no big life moments in my twenties that Tracy wasn’t there for. Life circumstances have kept us apart for a while, this is the first time I’ve seen her in eight years, but Tracy’s still my girl.
Still, we’ve both changed a lot in the last eight years. I didn’t realize how little I actually talked about what I did for a living until last night, when Tracy, Crusie and I sat down and had girl time over tea (and wine.) Tracy started asking all these questions about writing and storytelling and I was astounded that this career was such a central part of my life, and she didn’t know about it. I never talked about it. It was just weird to me, even though I’d born witness to the eight years where we’d drifted apart.
So last night we sat talking, answering questions about story, the difference between movies/TV storytelling and the kind of storytelling you do in books. (Crusie said it best: “It’s a different language.”) And at one point, Crusie said, “Well, in a way, we all tell the same story over and over again. All my books are about the search for community.” I argued; theme is different from story, and her themes all dance around community, but that doesn’t make her stories the same. Plus, community is at the core of all romantic fiction. Romance is the beginning of the build of our own community, our own family, and community and connection is what we hunger for. Or at least, women like us do. Crusie and I were each missing it in our lives, so we built it here on the river, and Tracy’s here joining in for a while, and it’s just right. It’s family, it’s community, it’s what makes us tick, it’s why we pee in groups, and it’s where the juice is in the book. For us, anyway.
Then, this morning, I caught up on the second half of an episode of the new sitcom, Community, which is about community college, so I certainly wasn’t expecting this:
As silly as that clip is, it hits right to the heart of what makes women women. Going to the bathroom in groups isn’t about going to the bathroom; it’s about disappearing behind a door that’s just for us, and finding our community there.
Up until this clip, I was on the fence about Community, the sitcom, but there’s someone on that writing staff who understands things on a much deeper level, who can tell the absolute truth and still stand back far enough to realize how funny it is. I’m looking forward to seeing what else they pull out of that magic hat this season.
Plus, I’d follow Yvette Nicole Brown off a cliff. I love that woman.
Lani/Lucy–can we just call you L?
I totally agree about Community. There is someone shockingly smart about just, *things*, on the writing staff.
And heck, I agree about everything else you’ve said here, too: friends who stay friends in spite of big gaps, and community in general… And certainly, about Yvette Nicole Brown! I’m so glad she has a weekly show.
Sometimes I go into work, and I’m not even working. I go to hang out with my female co-workers, have lunch, gossip, and brainstorm. On one of these occasions another of “the girls” remarked that our disjointed conversations, which never managed to stay on track but make a series of loop-de-loops, eventually do get around to the point. They are the earmarks of the difference in communicating between men and women.
Men prefer to stick on point, and feel that interrupting is rude. They like to get from point A to point B in a straight, grey line.
Women, on the other hand, are generally not insulted by another woman interjecting and changing the subject- a sort of verbal window shopping, because it’s all about the subtle colors of the conversation. We eventually get to our point also, just in a much more roundabout and colorful way. It’s the journey, not the destination.
And we’re very comfortable as a group. Men are comfortable as a group if there is an end goal, such as men involved in team sports. Point A, unite as a team, point B, win the game.
I see this when I’m working: It is extremely rare to have a group of American men take a ride together. Women, on the other hand, will ride as a group, and are even willing to pair up and ride with strangers. They use it as an opportunity to make new acquaintances, and have a shared experience. When the ride is over will they be BFFs? Probably not, but the journey was enjoyable.
Interesting insight into the style of writing you ladies employ. Thanks.
Another level I’ve always found within the romance genre is acceptance of flaws, which you can sorta find in community. (One seeks out people like themselves.)
More so in the relationship between the h/h. Yes, the common tropes are the perfect body, hair you can sink your fingers into, etc, but it’s also about revealing the true you to someone else and knowing they’ll accept that raw core without judgment.
I think that’s a more powerful message than community. The underlining message is everyone can be loved. You’ve got a tortured past, insane family–there’s someone who won’t love you in spite of it, but because of it. That “flaw” has made you, you.
Anyway, I used to work in a place that used to be a hotel. So every room had a bathroom. Now my particular office had the cooler in the bathroom. The maintenance guy got the bright idea to cut a whole in the wall for better circulation. So, let’s say I know that peeing in groups is more than going to the bathroom. Funny it is like being invited into the group, into something that is very private. I had a co-worker I could not stand and I would literally leave the office. *OMG, I was saying no thanks to that invitation to being in her ‘group’ Lol.* I’m going to have to watch an episode or two now.
I’m so glad to know about this show. I’d never heard of it. Makes me laugh though. We also had a code in the d-hall in college where we all had to ‘go get something to drink’. It was like an instant evacuation of the double-X chromosome from the table.
I’m glad you got a chance to catch up with a friend. It’s nice to pick back up with those friendships. Enjoy!
My DH and SIL found it recently. All the other shows Thursday were repeats, except Community. We watched it, were impressed with the writing (good comedy writing is getting harder and harder to find), and immediately watched all the back episodes. Thank goodness for On Demand. It’s just a shame that it seems like Thursday is filled with too many good shows, and other nights are disappointing, to say the least.
Haven’t seen the show since I’ve been too nuts REVISING stuff with all this awesome info someone gave me. Snort.
But I love catching up with old friends. I love a friend you can not talk to for years but give her a call, overnight at her house and talk all night till your voice gives out before you take off again the next morning.
Being kind of hermit-ish myself, it is a requirement of my close friends that they not be insulted if I don’t reach out to them every week. In the end, it’s the ones you grew up with in high school and college that tend to stick through the lean friendship years of child-raising and career forging.